I've got all these demons
Maybe you do too...
In a while, I haven't dulled my productivity for this long. I feel the need to write and I don't. I've been brushing content creation aside because doing nothing and worrying less about these things feels like a happier option. No video editing, graphic designing, or watching YouTube videos, and hoping I'd have the power/resources to start mine one day. I've missed writing especially for my newsletter because it gives me a moment to reflect. I don't journal so it's the only opportunity I give myself.
I have less than 200 songs on my phone, no organized playlist and on a regular day, I show little interest in watching movies. From this you can judge that I'm not a huge fan, it's a bit weird, especially the music part. So anybody would ask, "what do you do with your life?" I could say I read books, but how frequently do I? I still have a lot of books from January that I haven't read. For one, I know the only thing I'm consistent with is moving from one app to another on my phone.
I'm gradually showing interest in music and movies. Lately, I've found it as a way to just escape reality and majorly distract myself. If you ask what I'm distracting myself from, I'd honestly not be able to answer, but I know it's been a way to curb my social media addiction. Surprisingly, I had the time to watch quite a number of movies because I had finished most of my exams.
Speaking about watching movies and listening to music, I started listening to Sam Smith & Alec Benjamin. I don't download albums, I just selectively download random songs under a particular artiste I fancy, that's how nonchalant I am to this music thing, but I believe, apart from vibing to Afrobeats, I have a thing for Soul and RnB music.
Finding time to watch movies during this period made me feel like people who prefer movies to books have a point. It has always been an easier and more interesting option to be precise; it doesn't take much effort compared to reading. At certain points, I wanted to exit the movie app to look up a word in the dictionary. The good thing is, whether reading or watching, either of them is a good way to improve one's diction.
The interesting thing about one of the movies I watched is that it was adapted from a series I read last year, "One of us is lying". Seeing the actors bring the book to life was very exciting and they killed the roles perfectly. Even though I couldn't remember most of the plot, I could remember their names. The movie/book centers on four main characters who are high school students. They happened to be at the murder scene of a fellow student and were accused of the crime. Through the course of the movie, the students who barely crossed paths on a regular school day had to come together to unravel the mystery of the murder, to vindicate themselves. What made it even more interesting was that they had to trust each other, which was a difficult risk to take, knowing that they all had something to hide and every student hated the victim.
At the time I was watching this series, one of my favorite songs from Alec Benjamin was "Demons". It kept ringing even when I finished the series and moved on to binge-watch "Stranger Things". The term felt so relatable like I was at a point in my life where I was pushing my demons aside, and there's no doubt, I still am. Funny enough, Wizkid released his album and in his song with Ayra Starr, there is this line, man I fight my own demons. I wasn't so familiar with the use of the term. "Demon" isn't a nice word I'd use to describe anything affiliated with myself, but since this phrase kept ringing, I had to look into it. What are these demons actually? How do I know them? How am I fighting them or being at peace with them?
From the meaning of Alec's lyrics, Demons are insecurities, those things you hide from people, that you are so scared of letting out. Things that you'd do anything to keep out of sight, some of these things even torture you. It aligned with the movie, those kids all had something to hide, past mistakes, trauma, their true identities, things that could ruin the perfect lives they've imagined for themselves forever. I tried comparing them to myself, I don't have anything I'm so insecure about, if it's body insecurity, I'm a proud short woman who wears crop tops even though her tummy isn't flat. I don't have anger issues that would make me want to kill someone or any secret that I can think of that I'd desperately need to keep from people around. So, what were these demons exactly?
Mark Manson, my G, made me understand during my research, that demons could be as simple as laziness, procrastination, and self-doubt. Those things that bring negative thoughts and make us limit ourselves.
Inner demons are all those scary thoughts and images of our inner world that can lead to unhappiness and unfulfillment if we don’t deal with them. Inner demons could be anxious thoughts about our future, negative or limiting beliefs about ourselves, past wounds, fears, or insecurities that prevent growth. - agreatmood.com.
As much as we try to ignore them, we all have these demons, no matter how small they seem. Going through the articles I saw online on different websites, there were similar theories on how to deal with these parts of ourselves that seem to be burdens. I haven't fully understood the process of being at peace with these demons, because they will always be there, but these past few days I've tried to search myself for these things that bring so much negativity in my being.
Self-doubt/Imposter syndrome: This is one of my biggest challenges. As humans we're quick to judge ourselves, finding the worst things about ourselves and dwelling on them. So many times, I've considered myself not good enough especially when it comes to taking writing/content creation as a career and basically every other thing. Even if I'm good at other things, I still hesitate to put myself out there because I feel I'd mess it up, I'm inexperienced and unqualified. I don't even want to try or find a way to turn it into a favorable opportunity.
Jealousy: Even though it's hard to admit, we all feel jealous. I get it, it's an emotion and it's only bad when we choose to act on it negatively. When I see certain friends or people having a good time or I see a creative on Instagram doing well, when I feel I could have been in the same position or even better, I try to avoid their stories/status. I don't like that feeling of envy or it could have been me, so I avoid seeing them.
Relationship difficulties: Sometimes my friends joke around and tell me I'll never find love. With the way I talk about it, some just conclude that I'm scared of the heartbreak. I always feel like it's just random talk and it's not that deep. Lately, I've been having second thoughts. It's always easy for most people to move into new relationships. For them, it's an advantage because it's part of the experience, learning the matters of the heart and growing together. Then there's me that's been out of one relationship and still attached to a bumpy no-longer-existing situationship. No major attractions or crushes so far, all the gender does is piss me off. Then I begin to wonder if this is from a place of fear, fear of being vulnerable and giving into the demands of a relationship, fear of being with another wrong person, or fear of messing things up again. And also the fear of being with someone who's only there for a good time and not a long time. It's not like a relationship is top on my priority list, but what if I'm ignoring it not because it's not my priority but because of my fears?
Friendship issues: Ever since I got to Uni, I've been having this constant feeling of drifting away from the people I call my friends and just be. Maybe start again and redefine what I want from a friendship. This one is difficult because it's hard to explain. I think being lucky to have clicked with the right people from secondary school, bearing friendships that are 8 years strong, makes me want things like that or nothing. Once I feel you're not going to stay or our paths are not in the same direction, I start withdrawing. I guess I have a thing for longevity in relationships all round.
Procrastination/laziness: This is a common thing we all battle and we're all learning to have control over it one way or the other. Sometimes fighting it comes with the fear of failure, ending up like someone we know that has been greatly affected by it. I didn't want to use exams as an excuse to pause my newsletters but somehow, I did it again, even with my social media. I could have reached bigger milestones if I hadn't gone MIA for no reason.
There's this other fear of being cliché and like everyone else, something I identified as a creative block. It's something else that causes my not-so-necessary breaks on Instagram. It's taking a lot for me to understand that we're all similarly different or different in a similar way. A lot of people can be in a field, yet each person has their own crowd, the people that know them for what they do, the people that follow them because there's something unique in their person that stands out from others. You are the person that will create that uniqueness and it's only if you go through the process of being so similar to other people that you come out to be different in the end. More importantly, make sure you stay on your path and don’t copy everything you see. Be patient and as cliché as it sounds, trust the process.
Identifying these demons is one part of the process, being at peace with them and dealing with them to create a balance is another. Now that I know what I'm working with, I can make more efforts to improve myself.
Forgive yourself first. Release the need to replay a negative situation over and over again in your mind. Don’t become a hostage to your past by always reviewing and reliving your mistakes. — Les Brown
For demon 1: I know better than to continuously doubt myself. If someone asks me if I can do it, then I can do it. I should never be afraid of opening the doors of opportunities I come across. If I don't have the experience, then I'm going to learn and equip myself with it.
For demon 2: Jealousy remains an emotion that should never be acted upon negatively. And instead of always trying to avoid these people's stories, I should be happy about their good times, and their milestones, I should seek that genuine happiness and also try to create mine. I should see it as a motivation to get mine. And sometimes, the problem might be that I'm not documenting my own happy moments and milestones. If I feel bad about someone sharing their happy moments with the world, I'm a witch. I should learn to also document mine and share it too. That way I am aware of my own milestones and happiness.
For demon 3: This one is a hard one because the heart is quite an organ. Asides from being more open to people, I should also be aware of my values and that of the other person, so I don't let stupid people into my life. I should keep defined relationships, and walk away from red flags before I start seeing them as red hearts. Life is already hard, I shouldn't give my heart more problems.
For demon 4: I'm learning that some people are just meant for a phase in our lives. I should just learn to keep them and cherish the moments while they last. We may not be able to keep long-term relationships but as long as the energy is good, enjoy it. If the energy is bad, we know what to do.
For demon 5: I'm taking control of my life gradually, building good habits. Learning to plan, enough of "go with the flow", making a to-do lists and ticking it off. Setting goals and reaching them. The antidote for this demon is discipline and it goes a long way, beyond my academics and career, eating, spending money, and relationships. We require discipline in a lot of things and it's a goal I'm craving to win so badly.
I'm not going to wait till 2023 to start this, the same way, I didn't wait for the last week of the year or the beginning of another year to resume my newsletter. Sometimes, times and seasons annoy me because they are part of the things that enhance procrastination. Why wait for Monday or the beginning of another month to do something when you can do it now? Humans though.
Another thing I'd like to take more seriously is journaling and manifestation. Taking records of goals and achievements, documenting every step of my journey. Believing I can do anything I set my mind to, speaking into my day and my life, and working towards my goals, believing that God hears my silent wishes. Dreaming isn't enough, writing it down and acting it out makes it complete. And you know what the best part is? Coming back to where you wrote it down and smiling, whispering a soft "I did it" to yourself. It's a common trait with successful people and as the successful woman I am, I'm making things happen from now on.
I hope you were patient and hooked enough to get down to this part. Thank you and I love you for always reading my letter. And if this is the first letter you're getting from me, thank you too for choosing to read my thoughts. I promise it won't be the last. I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Love,
Vee.